The End of One Chapter & the Beginning of Another

Updated: Oct 30

December wasn't the best month for me to try to pack up my life.

I was so overwhelmed

wanting desperately to start my new life with my family

but stuck with the physical mess of a single person home

working and catching up with my inbox

saying farewell to friends

meditation was keeping me fairly stable

but the anxiety was building

january arrived

refusing to ask for help packing

because my "organization" system makes no sense to anybody

i woke up one day amidst the disarray of scattered items

and half packed boxes lined against every wall

i shamefully asked my landlord, whom is basically a father figure to me, for an extension of a few days for my move

he was so disappointed

he always knew i was responsible and because of that

seemed so much harsher when i made a mistake

i apologized and asked him why he expected so much more of me than others

he apologized to me too

and i promised to clean it well

my brother, whom i was moving in with

seemed to express doubt with my career move into a creative field

asking me how long i will trial it before i go back into nursing

"do you believe me?" i texted him

"i want to support you, but i don't know how you'll make money"

i plummeted just a little further

"he's right, i don't believe in myself. this is impossible."

he further added how he wants me to be more agreeable

and less argumentative

for his wife

"oh no, they don't want me to live with them. i was wrong about everything. i made a mistake. i should just stay."

finally, i just bawled for a ten minutes

and texted him back, "i'm sorry. i want to listen to your wife and understand her"

i called my friend

tearfully letting him know i couldn't do it

"i know i'm neurotic right now,

but i'm so scared.

i trusted my intuition... but i was wrong.

i was wrong about my ex. he didn't do the work.

i was wrong about this move. my brother doesn't want me there.

i was wrong about my creativity and creating a meaningful life. i haven't made my podcast yet; i don't know if i believe in myself."

he listened and reassured me.

"nothing is wrong.

you haven't made a mistake.

you're brave and i'm so envious of you for making this huge change.

a few days more of packing is okay.

you'll be okay.

you don't like your life now.

you can always go back."

i stopped blubbering for awhile

"i'll be okay. it's okay for me to mess up. it's okay for me to try.

thank you for listening and believing in me."

i went back to packing and giving things away.

embarrassed, i asked my ex whom i previously lived in the home with and whom we had recently reconnected with, to help me clean

not sure if it was out of guilt

or wanting to spend some time with me

he said yes

"thank you so much, you have no idea what this means to me"

another friend texted me asking me how i was doing

and i told her i had a panic attack

but was doing better

i told her to come take my bike because i wanted her to learn to bike

she was always supportive

and moreso during my move

she's my luisa (encanto), so strong and kind

by delaying her patient call to help me organize all of my boxes into sections

it suddenly became easier to see progress

my heart swelled as i could see she wanted me to stay

but knew i had to go

surprisingly, my ex came day after day to help

we had a painful falling out full of resentment, pain, and anger

it didn't seem possible to reconnect

he apologized for judging me and didn't see my light

and i apologized for my harshness and inability to be present

we laughed and cried about our past

and talked honestly about our hopes for the future

strangely enough, packing and cleaning became fun

the process became enjoyable

as i was able to appreciate the help

instead of telling myself how bad i was for not completing this faster

with my car all packed

biked securely strapped to the back

and ready to go

i stayed with my ex one more day

as friends

to enjoy our new beginnings

we don't have to heal alone, do we?

before i drove out of the driveway

i sobbed in happiness and fear

he walked to the car door and gestured me to come out

and gave me a huge reassuring hug

feeling brave again

i finally crossed the curb and headed down the freeway

my friend was right

i could do this

as i started driving

peace settled into me

i looked at the sky

excited about what laid at the end of my 700 mile journey

i called my brother to tell him i was coming

and he reassured me he was excited for me to be there

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