Updated: Oct 30
December wasn't the best month for me to try to pack up my life.
I was so overwhelmed
wanting desperately to start my new life with my family
but stuck with the physical mess of a single person home
working and catching up with my inbox
saying farewell to friends
meditation was keeping me fairly stable
but the anxiety was building
refusing to ask for help packing
because my "organization" system makes no sense to anybody
i woke up one day amidst the disarray of scattered items
and half packed boxes lined against every wall
i shamefully asked my landlord, whom is basically a father figure to me, for an extension of a few days for my move
he was so disappointed
he always knew i was responsible and because of that
seemed so much harsher when i made a mistake
i apologized and asked him why he expected so much more of me than others
he apologized to me too
and i promised to clean it well
my brother, whom i was moving in with
seemed to express doubt with my career move into a creative field
asking me how long i will trial it before i go back into nursing
"do you believe me?" i texted him
"i want to support you, but i don't know how you'll make money"
i plummeted just a little further
"he's right, i don't believe in myself. this is impossible."
he further added how he wants me to be more agreeable
and less argumentative
for his wife
"oh no, they don't want me to live with them. i was wrong about everything. i made a mistake. i should just stay."
finally, i just bawled for a ten minutes
and texted him back, "i'm sorry. i want to listen to your wife and understand her"
i called my friend
tearfully letting him know i couldn't do it
"i know i'm neurotic right now,
but i'm so scared.
i trusted my intuition... but i was wrong.
i was wrong about my ex. he didn't do the work.
i was wrong about this move. my brother doesn't want me there.
i was wrong about my creativity and creating a meaningful life. i haven't made my podcast yet; i don't know if i believe in myself."
he listened and reassured me.
"nothing is wrong.
you haven't made a mistake.
you're brave and i'm so envious of you for making this huge change.
a few days more of packing is okay.
you'll be okay.
you don't like your life now.
you can always go back."
i stopped blubbering for awhile
"i'll be okay. it's okay for me to mess up. it's okay for me to try.
thank you for listening and believing in me."
i went back to packing and giving things away.
embarrassed, i asked my ex whom i previously lived in the home with and whom we had recently reconnected with, to help me clean
not sure if it was out of guilt
or wanting to spend some time with me
he said yes
"thank you so much, you have no idea what this means to me"
another friend texted me asking me how i was doing
and i told her i had a panic attack
but was doing better
i told her to come take my bike because i wanted her to learn to bike
she was always supportive
and moreso during my move
she's my luisa (encanto), so strong and kind
by delaying her patient call to help me organize all of my boxes into sections
it suddenly became easier to see progress
my heart swelled as i could see she wanted me to stay
but knew i had to go
surprisingly, my ex came day after day to help
we had a painful falling out full of resentment, pain, and anger
it didn't seem possible to reconnect
he apologized for judging me and didn't see my light
and i apologized for my harshness and inability to be present
we laughed and cried about our past
and talked honestly about our hopes for the future
strangely enough, packing and cleaning became fun
the process became enjoyable
as i was able to appreciate the help
instead of telling myself how bad i was for not completing this faster
with my car all packed
biked securely strapped to the back
and ready to go
i stayed with my ex one more day
to enjoy our new beginnings
we don't have to heal alone, do we?
before i drove out of the driveway
i sobbed in happiness and fear
he walked to the car door and gestured me to come out
and gave me a huge reassuring hug
feeling brave again
i finally crossed the curb and headed down the freeway
my friend was right
i could do this
as i started driving
peace settled into me
i looked at the sky
excited about what laid at the end of my 700 mile journey
i called my brother to tell him i was coming
and he reassured me he was excited for me to be there