Updated: Oct 30
It's been three weeks since moving to Salt Lake City. Some days are really exciting. I can't believe I can start my own little business. When I'm creating, it's a magical flow of peace and some frustration, but my mind is focused on each line, each frame, each sound, and time just passes by.
Sometimes, I'm worried and scared. I felt judged doing something different, refusing to niche, trying to balance profit, ethics, and impact. Alone, I had plenty of self-doubt.
"Am i going to fail already in the first week?"
"Is this going to make a difference?"
"Maybe i'm not up for this challenge..."
Sometimes I feel so lonely, I want to move back to Oakland where life just happens. Surrounded by friends, getting a steady income, and feeling secure in someone's arms, my ego likes to remind me of everything I gave up.
"If only I had a friend here, I wouldn't be alone."
"If only I made a little bit of money to prove to it's worth the sacrifice."
"If only I met my soulmate, I would feel reassured."
If only I could believe in myself so strongly, this heaviness wouldn't consume me.
Looking at my old Instagram, it's like i don't know who that person is anymore. I feel scared because she's gone and here's a new person I haven't seen in so long we're basically strangers.
I then write, talk with my beloved friends, or meditate some more, and my gut tells me to just keep pushing a little more... What if you can create the world you want to see? Can you believe in that?
When I wake up again to a fresh new day feeling grateful for the abundance of my family who's trying to support me the best they can and rebuilding a loving home. I am appreciating this opportunity. This is rare. Loneliness is a gift. With no kids, no partner
and time is completely mine, I have everything at my disposal to create.
If I continue meditating, drawing, brainstorming, and believing in a brighter world I've already seen and felt, how my own healing has resonated with those around me and created ripples of endless waves crashing into the shore. It is a bounding force to be in awe and embraced. If I stay authentic and build up my confidence and abilities I can do this.